I hope you kiss me really hard when I see you.
black and white blog *trigger warning*
It kinda sucks when you’re like..trying to right your wrongs and the person you’re trying to apologise to is a piece of shit about it like dude let me fix this shut the fuck up please
Sometimes when I say “I’m okay”, what I really want is for someone to hold my hand, look me in the eyes and say “I know that you’re not okay, here is $1000.00”.
Thanks for the lesson, HIMYM.
Too bad you couldn’t take your own advice.
Hypocrisy thy name is HIMYM.
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So after three years, it’s taken a weekend away, & a lot of bullshit for me to realize this.
6 years ago I was the happiest person on this earth.
3 years ago I became the most depressed person on earth & I’m still struggling my demons to this day.
Over the past three years I have not been in any serious relationships, nor had both a mental & sexual connection with any one person.
I never understood why I couldn’t find that. I thought I was trying to hard & not letting things fall into place, but I’ve come to realize that this is not the case.
This has not occurred because my mind is still in PTSD defense mode. I’m only allowing myself to feel one way because if I feel both ways, everything becomes real.
Me & Mason are really a thing of the past.
I’m over him.
I don’t need anymore.
That door is closed & the door to the future opens.
That scares the shit out of me.
It’s scary & difficult enough to wake up everyday apart from him…
But once he’s a real thing of the past there’s no more “what ifs…”
No more “maybes…”
No more “One day…”
& I never thought it ever would be.
I honestly believed that one day, when we both got older, more mature, & stable, we would find each other again, outside of a different mall, & we’d start over & live happily ever after.
(I know I watched “The Notebook” too many damn times as a teen.)
Change has always scared me.
So subconsciously I’m mentally not allowing love into my life with anyone else because it’s change.
In the past three years I’ve thought I’ve fallen in love with numerous guys… & after the last one, I realized I just become infatuated because the sex is good. Not even that there’s a connection, I just think there is being the sex is mind blowing.
On top of that, change has never ended well, so I’m afraid of another let down.
I can not handle another let down at all.
But what’s a girl to do when all she wants to do is be in love & be loved…
What’s a girl to do when all she wants to do is get married & have children…
But that girl won’t give anyone else a chance…
Because the person you swore you could trust & would never trust again if he broke that trust, broke your trust.
But it’s not fair that someone that could be so special, suffers.
So what can a girl do & not have a mental meltdown?
After 3 years, I think it’s time I open up & try. I hope it doesn’t make things worse. I really want it to make things as phenomenal as I know it can be in my heart.
I need to stop making others suffer for my past traumas.
The best way to do this in my mind is to take things slow.
No ” I love you.”
No talk about futures together.
Just futures in general.
No sensual sex, just fun play.
Fun, crazy, sex. No extreme strings Attatched. & even not often or so soon.
No serious emotions, not for a while.
Getting to know each other.
Inside & out.
The way things used to be back in the day.
I think that’s the way it needs to be.
I met someone a few weeks back & I had that instant connection emotionally with him as I did mason, only stronger.
At first I was fine.
Until reality set in & all my fears came flooding back.
& that’s when my brain shut off sexually.
It only wants to allow me one type of connection.
& since I felt it mentally, I’m not allowed to feel it physically, or so my heart thinks.
But I wanna try. I don’t want to let him walk away like I have with others.
I want him to be different, I want him to help me try, & break that wall down.
But there’s no promise & I know that, but it still makes me wanna try.
But that’s a lot to ask of anyone, especially a guy whose been hurt just like me. & I feel selfish asking, but I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t.
Talking doesn’t come easy to me.
So what am I to do?
Write it out & hope he reads it or I have the tits to let him read it.
I feel good about what I’ve said.
& I hope this opens people’s eyes into my life.
& why I’ve been so wacked lately.
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